For a friend.

photo by moi.

I debated about whether or not to discuss this on the blog, as this is generally a place where I try to show sparks of inspiration even after my own sometimes whiny venting. However, I feel compelled to talk about something that has recently occurred in my universe.

A buddy of mine, an acquaintance really, committed suicide eight days ago.  His obituary was neat and tidy as most are in these types of situations, mentioning a few sports interests and the name of his family and dog, where he went to school etc. In lieu of flowers, please donate to...etc.

I am still trying to wrap my head around why he would do it, though I unfortunately am no stranger to suicide- but in the meantime I thought I would shed a light on what a lot of obits of those who take their own lives lack. I am not mentioning his name for the sake of his family, as there is still a huge stigma associated with such an act. Anyway-

My pal. My pal was smart. Wicked smart. Compulsively so. His brain was quick to pick apart a mistake or a detail said incorrectly. I'm a "mistakes are part of the game, man" kind of free spirit, so we made a funny duo. He frequently rolling his eyes in mock disgust with me and I teasing him for nitpicking.

He hated...HATED slow drivers. Of course, his idea of "slow" was the speed limit I think. I teased him for it all the time. Every morning when we'd get to work and settle in, I'd intentionally ask him about the traffic on the way in because it tickled me so how mad he would get. He was in on the joke and often exaggerated his frustrations for comic effect. It never ceased to amuse me, however I frequently felt there was secretly something deeper behind it. An anger or a rage I didn't understand.

My buddy was obsessed with the Walking Dead. I'm not one for zombies, and it's macabre to think it may have been somewhere deep in his psyche that one could physically live again after death...I dunno. But he and his spouse marathoned entire seasons over the weekends and at work on Monday he would fill me in on the Reader's Digest version of what was going on in the series. It lit him up to talk about it so I encouraged it, as it seemed to make him happy.

We frequently laughed, rolled our eyes and spoke fluent sarcasm together, especially in long meetings. It was a riot when things got monotonous at work or you're trying to push through that 3 pm slump. To look across the conference room table and you're both making hostage eyes at each other never ceased to amuse. Sometimes we'd get the giggles, though he was better at hiding it than I.

The last month or so we worked together, he suffered migraines. Severe migraines that kept him home from work and caused him to leave early from meetings. He was obsessively embarrassed that the doctors had given him a bad haircut after a brain scan. I told him I hadn't noticed and that he looked fine. It wasn't a bad haircut. Still he mentioned it at least a half dozen times to me and seemed genuinely relieved when I was like "Dude give it a break, you look fine!". He was clearly sensitive and had a good heart. Oftentimes seeming slightly offended if I left without saying goodbye at the end of the day. Funny the things you remember...

There was an incident at work that was deeply embarrassing for me. He was so sincerely concerned for me, it was a surprisingly kind and sweet comfort. On my last day that we worked together, he was upset he couldn't make my "going away" lunch with all the pals from the department. It really bothered him. I could tell he was pretty pissed about it. But before I left he told me "I am really going to miss having you to talk to."

I thought it was sweet, unnecessary too as we had each others' numbers and could text any time to make snarky jokes about life and work and nonsense (and did on occasion). It still stuck with me. I hear it in my head a lot now. His idiosyncrasies and obsessive tendencies have been greatly magnified.

A week ago, my pal drove off in the sports car he loved so much, parked it in a city several hours from where he lived and killed himself. I don't know if he was clinically depressed, buried up to his eyeballs in debt, had gotten a medical diagnosis for his migraines and decided to take it into his own hands...I have no answers. Only questions and a heavy heart. As it is with suicide, there are a lot of unanswered questions. That's just part of it, I reckon. Not everything gets tied up into a nice little bow as it can sometimes appear.

Again, we weren't best friends. We knew each other for five months. We were pals who worked together and made sarcastic jokes to one another. Yet, I hear him say over and over and over again: "I am really going to miss having you to talk to." I imagine him feeling so alone, so without hope that it breaks my heart. I don't want him to be remembered as a whole as a man who took his own life.  He was more than that.

I know y'all don't know him from Adam. However, I want at least someone out there to know- this random bland obit in the paper was for a person who lived. He had a life with love, challenges and mundane annoyances, humor and Netflix binges just like you and I have. I want to somewhat smudge the stigma from suicide just a little because though it is absolutely heartbreaking that people around you could be suffering so deeply and you not know; it isn't shameful to discuss.

The folks who lose people to suicide are often afraid to talk about it publicly because it makes others visibly uncomfortable and make pity eyes at you (Ugh with the pity eyes). I've seen that with my own experiences and most likely those left behind are sad, scared, confused and oftentimes riddled with guilt and a whole lotta anger. Don't regurgitate "comforting" cliches. Tell those left behind that it sucks and that you are here for them. Drop off a casserole with a note sometime, or tickets to a movie.

Remember that you truly don't know what someone is going through. You don't know their lives, their heartaches or their struggles. Be kind, reach out- but don't pity. Notice the little things. Good, bad, ugly and in between. Be there when the calls come in. Call if you think of it.

My pal is gone and he would soooo roll his eyes at me writing this, but I know deep inside it would have probably made him smile. And I always liked getting him worked up about stuff, so this one's for you, dude.

To you, friend. Wherever you are.

-L

The Good & The Bad...

I had every intention of posting a detailed post about bad job interviews and what they teach you. I wrote it yesterday and reread it about fourteen times before I decided I sounded a bit petty (and angry), though the message was good. So instead, I am going to give a reader's digest version of what happened on a bad interview recently and what it taught me.

The Bad: 

Weasel-y interviewer, said he didn't have time for me. He proceeded to insult my education, experience and my actual name. Not a fan of women in general, he apparently finds the fact that women have children inconvenient. Most of this was done quite passive-aggressively with several actual barbs. I also caught him looking at my chest. He told me I basically had the job (because they are desperate). Twice. But, I left feeling defeated as I am quite in need of a career change, but working for that creep wasn't an option. I cried in a diner over scrambled eggs. I felt like a Joan/Peggy hybrid.

The Good:

Some time with my mom and step-dad cheered me up and most of the anger went away. I felt a bit rejuvenated actually. I felt like I was aiming my sights too low anyway and that I should aim for better things. Things that make me a little happier, even if they aren't "my life's work". There is a whole lot out there that would be better than where I am now, and where I could have ended up if I had accepted that job.

Something I love about the KonMari Method I've been so excitedly practicing over the past few weeks is the psychological bent it takes in regard to letting things go. Generally, as with most every human I've ever met, "letting go" doesn't always come easily. I find it's even harder when my feelings get hurt. In the KonMari Method, when you let go of a physical item, you thank it. You either say "thank you, Winter Coat for keeping me warm all of those chilly days" or "thank you Brown Dress, for showing me what styles actually look good on me and which do not". In this case, Mr. Creep is a hideous brown dress I'm throwing out.

What a gift that sad person gave me. He showed me that you have to kiss some frogs before you find the right gig. He also showed me that I'm worth a lot more than the jobs I've been looking for.

Have you any interview horror stories?! Tell me yours and I hope you have a truly wonderful day!

Thoughts on Time (Part 2)

Through the Looking Glass

Happy Monday, y'all! I hope your weekend has been wonderful! Hopefully you didn't have to go to work today (I've been told it's a holiday), but if you did- you have my sincerest sympathy and understanding!)

Well last week, I wrote this post about the more "bigger picture" aspects of time management. Today, I'm breaking down a few organizational aspects of time management. Some of these ideas are super simple, some are common sense and others are maybe not fun, but they pay off. Here we go!

Keep it simple, Sister!

#1. Write it all down & Utilize a calendar.

Contrary to popular belief (particularly in the world of "time management" research), one does not need anything fancy or expensive to do this (even that stuff seen above). It's fine if that's what helps you feel more productive, but it doesn't work for me and in reality is so completely unnecessary. To me, it is a way to distract from the real tasks at hand by occupying my mind with the project that has to occur before being able to do the real work of organizing. 

To rephrase: I can't organize my time better because I don't have a $300 Filofax organizational system. I'll spend two weeks compiling everything I need to be organized then I'll really get started."

Ugh. Just write it down. Write down all the things you need to do. Write down your daily stuff, write down your short term goals, write down your long term goals. Write down important bill dates etc. project/event/appointment dates too. Stop avoiding it. Get out a calendar and a steno pad and just do it. After you get it all down, you can organize it however you want. First things first, though. 

Also, you must remember that to manage your time better, you have to tend to it regularly. You have to sit down five minutes a day or a half hour a week (whatever works with your headspace) and update, change, move around, rearrange and re-prioritize your goals and tasks etc. Which brings me to the next point.

Dr. Evil loves air quotes just as much as I do.

#2. Determine what is urgent (versus personal priority).

Sure it will be scandalously gratifying to spend three hours tending to a project on your to-do list. Crossing it off the list feels so good! But if you did that and didn't go to the grocery store before a busy week ahead, you are setting yourself up for time management failure. Balance is paramount.

Determining what is urgent (sitting down and doing your taxes, making sure your car is cared for before a road trip, getting the week's groceries purchased and prepped for that long week ahead, getting your kid's school play costume started (instead of binge-watching House), getting a just rough draft of your Great American Novel completed etc.

Those are bigger picture items that get you to a better place so that you have the time to work on other things like: making your bathroom cabinets look Pinterest-worthy, learning how to do a perfect fishtail braid, watching the latest episode of Downton, or spending a few hours delving into the backstory of a character you're workshopping for that Great American Novel. You get my point? No? Let me put it another way:

Party on, Wayne!

#3. Get the no-fun stuff out of the way first and earliest in the day.

Otherwise said by no lesser a sage than Wayne Campbell from Wayne's World (paraphrased of course): "It's like rushing home on Friday after school and getting all your homework done early so the rest of the weekend, you're free to party."

Simply stated: You'll feel buttloads better getting the no-fun stuff done early which makes the rest of your day feel so conquerable! It is a positivity snowball that gives you piles and piles of more time at the end of the day for the things you want to do; the things that make you happiest and bring you the most satisfaction and joy! 

That's what we're all after in the end, isn't it?!

Yep.

#4. Plan. Plan for tomorrow, then have a contingency plan (or two).

I can tell you hardly no other thing about time management that helps more than this simple idea. And yes, I'm familiar with the colloquial saying "the surest way to make God laugh is to tell Him your plans".

However, planning has gotten a bad rep. It seems to be associated with mouse-eyed Type-A's that can't seem to remove the stick from their ass no matter how badly they need to. Real life planning isn't like that.

This is what planning is:
*Making a meal plan for your week, allowing for wiggle room in case a last-minute celebratory outing with friends, family or kids pops up. This kind of planning frees up major money so more fun life stuff is possible.

*Planning is keeping a bag in the trunk of the car that has bottles of water, granola bars and a change of clothes in case there is an emergency or your car breaks down in July and AAA is delayed due to a bizarro pickle truck flipping over on the opposite side of the interstate.

*Planning is keeping a spare box of pasta noodles and spaghetti sauce in the pantry in case one week you have an unexpected bill and can't afford your typical fare. Or a friend is sick and you want to do something for her family while she's stuck in bed. Boom. No extra money needed and you've done a nice deed for someone you love.

Planning isn't filling every single moment of every day and evening with some task, project, event, sport, hobby, etc. The goal of planning is to simplify- to quiet. Not to occupy or busy oneself.

 And that's another thing! Planning is just taking the time to anticipate what can't be anticipated so when life happens (AND IT ALWAYS DOES, Y'ALL!), you aren't derailed. You aren't standing on the side of the interstate waiting for AAA in 100 degree weather, ready to pass out from dehydration (I use this example because I've had that happen and thank goodness I had water in the car)!

If you plan properly, you can be super flexible and enjoy all (or at least more) of life's little curveballs. Sometimes curveballs are the best thing ever, but only if you can manage your stuff enough to be able to glean the positive from each situation!

Alright, okay. That's enough of a lesson for today. I do have a lot left to say on the topic though, so stay tuned for Wednesday's update. Time management doesn't have to be daunting if you approach it with good headspace. Seriously. A little goes a long way toward having the life you want. I know because I'm doing it myself after years and years of struggling.

Check ya later, pals! I hope you have a truly wonderful day!

A is for...

Go on! Jump in, y'all and get muddy!

Happy Wednesday, friends! How is your week going? I'm back at work today after a very pleasant and productive two days off (could use about 29 more to be honest). I've been in my head a lot these past several weeks. Even through the static and of-no-good-use derailment last week, I've had a lot floating around my head about my life, career, skills (or lack thereof), things I want to accomplish, fears, friends, family, BMI, money, recipes, apartment hunting...well, I could have stopped with "a lot of things" but I think you follow me.

I've mentioned before that I've been meditating. It helps tremendously for me, and yes it takes a bit of practice; but now I look forward to it everyday (especially my before work and after lunch mini-meditations). Since the derailment last week, I've been looking for ways to improve upon my mini-meditations and get more bang for my buck particularly when I'm stressed or in a work situation I don't care for. While searching, I stumbled upon an article in Mind, Body, Green. I like this website most of the time and I have found some pretty, shiny gems there rather regularly.

The 4 A's of Successful Meditation Practice caught my eye for obvious reasons and after reading it, I got to thinking a little bit about those 4 A's and what they really mean when it comes down to the nitty gritty stuff that comes up when left alone with one's thoughts. The 4 A's are as follows:

Awareness

Acknowledgment

Acceptance

Action

In regards to meditation, most people unfamiliar with the practice may be surprised at the depth of the psychological aspects that accompany it. For those who practice, whether you like it or not, you know you come face to face with a lot of things that have been rolling around your ole noodle waiting for a chance to be heard.

Never one to be afraid of my own emotional dust bunnies, I didn't fret about those things bubbling up to the surface as I'd had it happen in previous experiences with meditation (and I sincerely believe that working through that gunk and garbage is worth it). However, the sheer volume has been surprising! Nothing mind-blowing or anything. Just...life stuff.

All of this is to say, friends, that outside of the realm of meditation, one can apply this 4 A's to help with the gunkier more garbagey things in your life. Things like talking disparagingly about yourself or others, sabotaging your healthy goals, lashing out at people when you're upset with something else entirely, drinking to excess, dangerous addictive issues, withholding affection or gratitude for a vague sense of power...you get the picture. Deep down inside you are aware that these things exist within you (and are projected from you). No one is ever truly shocked to find out they do something that hurts themselves or others- there's a voice inside that can never really be shut up. It'll wake you up at 3 am and not allow you to sleep. Blame it on whatever, but eventually- you'll have to listen to that little voice and become aware of the bigger issues at hand.

Acknowledge that little bugger. It may be sitting in your living room for a little while. It'll feel like it's everywhere with you and that's because it is. Until you accept (and try forgiving) the part you played (or someone else did, if that applies) and accept that you are human and guess what? Humans make big stinking, smelly mistakes all day every day. It may not be okay what you're dealing with; but you can be okay with being healthier and happier despite it.

Then take action to change that shit.

Make an effort every day to alter the habits, dark words and thoughts, guilt, shame, and anything else you may be feeling from all that old crappy stuff. Make the littlest change a day, such as giving a compliment to someone when you'd usually keep it to yourself. Apologizing to someone you've hurt in the past, or choosing not to complain about eating this or that in your healthy-eating plan and instead close your eyes and identify the flavors you do like (in carrots for example). Be present in your life. Use those 4 A's to kick the troublesome issues of your big P (your past) right in the ass and out to the curb. Incinerate that nonsense with love, forgiveness and courage.

Working through major and minor emotional issues isn't easy. It can be ugly and you will have to allow yourself the fact that you are/will be vulnerable (and perhaps accept the vulnerability of others while you're at it). You will most likely have to make some big apologies to others and especially yourself. You will ugly cry like Sookie on True Blood (LOVE that ugly cry!). You may rage, you may scream at yourself in your car or at the sky. It's all good. Work through it. Crawl through it. Scrape through it. Then suddenly you'll find yourself in the clear. Aware of a new kind of peace and a bigger slice of happiness than you thought you could stomach beforehand.

Good luck friends. I'm doing it, you can too!

I hope you have a truly wonderful day!

Better late than never!

Snapshots of Wellness.

What a day, y'all! You know that saying "when it rains, it pours"? That has been my Monday and it was a tough one (the reason this post is 15 hours tardy...or 9 hours early, whatever). The fridge broke down in the middle of the night. I salvaged what I could. My gracious family let me use their fridges and freezers for our holiday meal ingredients. I set out to move said groceries to their safe havens during the only torrential part of the non-stop rain all day long. My husband spent hours seeing if he could fix it before calling our landlord who will send over his not-so-handy handyman after Christmas.

Remember that crazy-maker situation? That came to a head today. Two others came out of the woodworks as well. I had a stupid long night shift at work (from which I'm plum tuckered out) and tomorrow I have a stupid long early morning shift with no other managerial help until 530 or 6 but I'm not thinking of that at the moment.

I have pretty major PMS and there isn't enough chocolate or soft jammies or baby goat/otter videos in the world to help me retain a semblance of normality. I haven't been drinking for the past two weeks (just because) and today I could have used one. I'm kind of a mess.

To top it all off, one of my favorite singers of all time, Joe Cocker, passed away today. Out of all the stress and absurdity today, that's the only thing that actually made me cry.

But you know what? I'm totally fine.

I'm cool, yo; and have been laughing at it (mostly) all day. There were a few moments of anger in regards to the crazy-makers that put a burr in my saddle, but you know what I did? I went to work. I worked ridiculously hard and fast and knocked out most of the tasks I would have to be doing tomorrow morning (hell yeah!). My sweet friend came to work and brought me a lovely and thoughtful holiday gift bag (that may have brought a tear to my eye too). I got a few laughs and some great hugs from him, both of which I needed. Oh! I also got a handsome new nephew, Mannee (pronounced Manny), today. He was born this afternoon and didn't even look like a squishy pink toe or a conehead (like I did)! Then... then I came home and when I saw my puppy's sweet face, I instantly felt better. My blood pressure went down big time.

I'm going off to bed very very soon. Every inch of my body aches. But I'm good. And I'll be even better tomorrow.

In case your holidays are making you insane, read this article. It's got some actual helpful advice on keeping your zen while everything seems out to intentionally be wonky and out of whack.

Love, friends. Here's some Joe to send us off. Rest in peace, Mr. Joe.

A thought.

I really needed this today.

No regrets.

100!

100

Happy Monday, y'all! I hope you had a wonderful weekend. Mine was a pleasant blend of work and fun. The decluttering and organizing kick I'm on has done wonders for my psyche. Seriously, I never knew I could get so much done. I'm being very careful to make sure to leave room for fun and nothing-doing (two of my favorite things) and so far the balance is working out so very nicely!

Well, today is my 100th post! I can't believe it! It seems like just yesterday I logged on and created this blog to help me mentally escape and try to grow out of a tough situation at work. Already this has evolved and continues to. I love it. I look forward to writing this posts every day and it still is providing me with an "excuse" to do more, be more and strive for a positive, abundant and balanced life. Whew! Awesome!

Today, I thought I would share a philosophy that the hubs turned me on to. It's No Zero Days. He found it here on Reddit (the column to the right of the page), and I've found myself going back to this idea over and over and over again for a few months now. It's great for when you don't know how to start to make changes, or you are someone who is suffering from depression and needs a ladder rung to cling to (I love the bit about the 3 "you's" too).

Basically the paraphrased, Reader's Digest version of the idea is this: do one thing a day, no matter how small, that moves you closer to your goal. For example: I want to lose five pounds. Today I did a few sit-ups and passed on french fries when I went out to lunch. It isn't much but those little things add up. Imagine what it could do for you if you're trying to tackle a big project like writing a novel, or rebuilding an engine in a classic car!

Take some time to read more on No Zero Days, there's more to it than what I shared. It's fantastic and it's a little something that can reignite inspiration, motivation and therefore change. Change is good, y'all! Try a little something today to be better, smarter, healthier, happier, and more positive!

I truly hope you have a wonderful day and thanks for swinging by!

Thoughts on Loving Yourself & A Bizarro Scenario

Usually I let Thursday and Friday's posts get a bit frothy because we're inching tantalizingly close to the weekend, however today I just wanted to chat.

I don't know about y'all, but I am pretty damn hard on myself. I come by it honestly, and sometimes it has served me well. There have been times I knew I was better than a crap job, or crap friendship, or crap relationship. There are times that little voice said I really should be closer to a 4.0 GPA than I was (and I got there).  I held myself to a standard.

This voice, however, this one that tells me to push harder, be better, kinder, gentler, eat better, exercise more, not to bitch so much, get more sleep, yadda yadda yadda...It can get dark. It can be a real destroyer.

That voice has told me that my writing isn't good enough. The one thing that makes me happier than anything. It tells me that I should be further along in my career, that I should have more money saved and less debt. This voice has compared my accomplishments, or lack thereof, to others'. That voice that says I'm getting old or I'm a bad Mama to my dogs, that I haven't had babies yet or this or that. That voice I hear all the bloody time.

I'm a smart girl. Woman now I guess, if you want to get technical about it. I am smart enough to know all of this comes from a lot of places. There are the outside influences, of course. However, it's the inner ones I want to grab by the ear and sit the hell down for a good talking to. This is what I want to say to that Little Shit Voice:

------------------------------------------------
Me: Hey, you little shit. Yeah, you- the one who whispers stuff into my ears while I sleep and wakes me at three a.m. to review every bad life choice I've ever made. I know the things you tell me already, I don't need your crappy reminders."

LSV (Little Shit Voice): But you could be so much better if you just weren't so awful.

Me: I'm not awful.

LSV: You can be.

Me: Everyone can be. It's called being a human.

LSV: But you need to be better than that.

Me: Better than human? Um...like Wonder Woman?

LSV: You can always be better. I think you are lazy. I think all the bad things that people have said about you and all the things they say behind your back are true. You know you aren't as special as you think. Just think of all the horrible things you have said and done in your life! All the time you've wasted! All the stupid choices!!!

Me: Trust me, I have. But, those things aren't all of me. I know I'm good- because I work at being good every day. I know I have a lot of love to give because I try to show it every day. I know what it feels like to have your day made brighter by a stranger, so I try to do that for others.

LSV: Blah blah blah. It's not enough.

Me: I love myself more than you hate me.

LSV: But...

Me: No matter what you say, I still love myself more than you hate me. And you shouldn't hate me anyway- you're a piece of me. You are fear and regret and hurt feelings. You are insecurity and pain and so much loss. You are the pieces of my heart that broke off over the years. It's okay to feel all of it, but please don't turn it to vinegar and try to poison me. I can't let it pour out of me, it could spillover and hurt someone else. I can't do that. It hurts enough inside.

LSV: But...

Me: But nothing. I'll never get better if you keep tripping me up. Life is too short for this nonsense. I'm strong as shit. I've been through so much garbage and yes, I created some of it. But, I have a big heart always keen to love more. I want to make the world a more beautiful and positive place than it was when I got here. You get me?! I love myself more than you can ever hate me. You hear me , Little Shit Voice? Hello? Hey- where'd you go?
-------------------------------------------------------------

Weird, right? I know it seems nuts to type out and publicly post a fake dialogue between your inner voices. I really get that. I don't care though. I didn't know what my insides were going to say until I typed them out. I surprised and impressed myself a little actually. Who knew my positive inner voice had such ovarian fortitude?!

What would your inner voices say if given a chance for dialogue? Be honest. It can be pretty harsh. Would you tell your critic to go screw off and leave you alone? Would you coddle that inner cattle prod? I know I have in the past. I know many who do. They always seem unhappy.

Sometimes it seems easier to hate yourself than to stand proudly up for yourself. It may be easier to slump than stand up straight, but trust me- it's worth the fight. It's worth the tears and the sweat and the scraped knuckles.

Stand up for the good, sweet, loving, kind, badass individual that is you. Stand up and fight for him/her. Every damn day. All day. Know you are worth the love, even if you feel it from nowhere else but inside of you. Know that even if you don't see it or feel it all around you yet, it is out there and it will find you and wonderfully encompass you if you let it. It's all around us and its radiating from inside the hearts and spirits of everyday people fighting and scraping against the voices and odds and poisons too. Just like you.

Love on, and love hard y'all. Start inside. Start today, this very moment. I promise I'm right here with you.

I truly hope you have a wonderful day!

La Musica!

Little me, cutting a rug way back when. Looks the same now, by the way.

One of the things I've realized over the years, during what I have caught myself referring to as the "dark ages" i.e. many years of a depression that varied in depth, is that music fell away from my world a lot.

Music always was something that made me happy. It was a part of my childhood, and an enormous part of my teenage and adult years. It was only recently that music began creeping in more into my life again after years of a personal music-desert (sort of). I laughed today when I realized there were months I wouldn't listen to music at all! Before I dipped into the pit, so to speak, music was on all day, every day. Nonstop. I went to concerts regularly; incredible, perspective & life-altering concerts. I sang. I dreamed actively of getting over my paralyzing fear of singing in front of people to realize a bucket list-type dream of performing. Ugh.

Throughout the "dark ages", music would slip in every now and then, particularly when there was something so good I couldn't resist it (and right when I got married there were several months of memory-making happy music), but honestly there has been or was a void inside. Lately I've realized that that void has started to fill back up with music again. The hubs and I have been listening to a lot of records on the ole turntable and playing Spotify through our television from the laptop. As I write this, in fact, Miss Lucinda Williams is crooning to me with her lovely raspy and lilting voice.

There is a magic that happens in the pit of my chest when I'm listening to the right music at the right moment. This magnificent resonance and a happy trance-like situation overcomes me and I cannot help but move my body and/or sing. I can feel my brain and spirit catching fire like sage brush during a lightning storm. It feels incredible to touch that again. To see it sitting across the room making eyes at me.

So, in honor of something so big returning to my world, here is some music that makes me happy or moves me. Share some of your favorites with me because I'd love to know!

Lucinda Williams.

Sally! (Salvatore Geloso, always takes me somewhere good & makes me miss New Orleans).

Jimmy Fallon with Meghan Trainor, saw this last week and a friend reminded me of it this week. Just makes me smile.

A few years old, but I still love it.

Another oldie, but it makes me laugh every time I watch the video and I always have the song stuck in my head afterward. 

This video just makes me happy and reminds me of great house parties back in the day.

And the perennial classic. You've heard it a million times, but listen- really listen. It's the happiest damn song!

I hope you have a truly wonderful day! Take some time to play some music that makes you happy. It can change your entire day.

Sunday Affirmation

What do you say, friends? Wanna make something beautiful out of the mud life hands us? I say hell yes! Hell yeah, I will manifest beauty from the shit-storms! You with me?!

I hope you have a truly wonderful day!

Love Yo'self!

Hello friends! It is Thursday- this week seems to be flying by! Well, Thursdays around here are all about self-care and self-love. Taking care of our vessels is paramount. I don't know why it is so hard to take care of ourselves sometimes. We go out of our way for others, yet neglect the one person we are on this planet with for our entire lives! It's bananas people! Total nonsense!

So, in honor of a dear friend who needs a good reminder (you know who you are!) and to remind all of us (myself included) that we must care for ourselves well, first and foremost, before we can truly help others (like the oxygen mask situation on a plane). Heeeere we go!

*The 10 things you must tell yourself today. I really like this one!

*I love this! Kindness meditation. It's so simple and even though it's for children, I think we could all take a page from this book and nurture kindness even in the subtlest of ways. Quite frankly I think we could all take some time and relearn the lessons of childhood so we can be better adults.

*I love a list and an infographic too! Five mantras for daily self-love. I felt particularly drawn to the Nourish, Powerful & Worthy ones. Good stuff!

*Self-love is asking yourself what you need- every day- and making sure you receive it. 
Dang! I really like that!!!

*Wow! This mother/daughter Ecard actually moved me. I didn't expect that from what are usually pretty funny, snarky little throwaways. Good on you, whomever made that one! It certainly does ring true, but I think we can dream bigger than just our children (ahem- since mine don't exist yet) and do this for everyone.

*Because PMS is a bitch, and so is menopause and Mondays and traffic and screaming kids and needy people at work and...anyway- a little something something to make you feel gooooooooooood.

And to my dear friend, let me gently remind you- you are capable of training your thoughts to be kinder toward yourself. The steps you take toward breaking unhealthy and dangerous cycles now, will  benefit you so incredibly much more as you get older (take it from me- 30 ain't no joke and neither will  be 40, 50, 60 or 90! But each year gets even more awesome to make up for it!) Every little thing you do to make your body healthy, happy, and balanced (physically, emotionally and spiritually) will only aid you further along in your life. I love you.

And I love all y'all who read P&PPS. Take care of yourselves. I hope you have a truly wonderful day!

Thoughts on Crazy-Makers Part 1

Image courtesy of Anne Taintor.

We all have one (or more) in our lives. We may work with some, live with them, or even love them. Our crazy-makers. These are the folks that, although they may not mean for it, they create chaos around them wherever they go.  Their inner turmoil spills out and attaches itself to the nearest living things.

I've had many. From fair-weather friends to roommates; from relatives to boyfriends to bosses. In fact, not too long ago I had an encounter with a former crazy-maker whom I removed from my life many years ago. Long gone was my anger toward this person. I attempted civility, this person was genuinely trying to be nice. I kind of ruined that one, but it wasn't on purpose. You see, when this friend and I "broke up", so to speak, I fell into that big (and complicated) depression I've mentioned to you all before. That isn't the point though. The point is that when this person and I dispersed, I was overwhelmed with a phenomenally visceral rush of emotions. I had to leave where I was. I felt like I had to run. I couldn't control my sadness. It was bizarre. My body and spirit were trying to cope with things my brain hadn't caught up to yet. What does this have to do with crazy-makers? I'm getting there, hold your horses.

You see, in my case (many times past and present), I was very close to my crazy-maker. I loved this person. I laughed with them. We shared secrets and dreams. We were great friends. I trusted them deeply. When things went lopsided, I felt ripped apart. Like a little kid whose Christmas morning was burning down all around her. In my romantic life, things were better than ever. I'd just met and married the love of my life. However, every single other aspect of my life felt appallingly out of order and it felt like it was because of this person's single-handed ability to destroy everything around them.  I felt like I was collateral damage because of the decisions they made. It was a characteristic of their's we had discussed in varying degrees over the course of our friendship. A "center of the Universe" way of existing that could be harmful to others, almost always unintentionally. And I spent years being angry for the things directly corresponding to that crazy-maker of mine's actions. And in true victim mentally, attributed things to them that were not at all their fault. However I was sad and angry. I was struggling to find a job and was generally just pissed off at the selfish actions of this person that so deeply affected my life, my happiness. At that point, I'm pretty sure I was my mother's crazy-maker (sorry Mom!).

The point is, when I became overwhelmed that day, I cried. I cried in my car, I cried in a parking lot and tried to hold it together in the checkout line at the grocery store. I finally sat my pathetic ass down to write. That's how I figure out what's going on with me. I literally wrote "What is making me so upset?" I answered myself in bullet points. Why this visit brought up so much pain and anger and sadness and I realized that I was simply grieving. I was grieving a future I had imagined for myself. One that made me happier than I am now. I was grieving how happy I was before things went sour. I was young and hopeful and independent. I was taking care of business and feeling confident for the first time as an "adult". I had hope. Hope that I could make something of myself and be a partner with that person possibly in a career move. Bah. It's embarrassing to even write it down, it's sounds whiny!

I looked at this list. I examined it. I forced myself to look at it for a good, long time. Then turned the paper over and asked myself another question..."What can I do to make my life more of what I want?" The things that poured out from me after that, made me happy just to write them. Go to concerts, for example. Something I did regularly (I'm a music nut) back in the day. Something that brought me tremendous happiness and release. It's been years since I've procured tickets for myself to a show that I really really wanted to see. Other simple things came out too. Different activities I can do instead of holing up for a Netflix marathon like I have been during my darker days because I just need an escape from reality. The answers were so simple and again, I was embarrassed that depression put such a veil over my eyes. I couldn't fathom doing any of the things on this list even a few months before and now that I was beginning to crawl out of it and take responsibility for my own nonsense, it all flowed.

I laughed to (perhaps at) myself then. This crazy-maker was one not only because of their own personal and poisonous stuff, but also because I let them be. I let this person wreak havoc because I loved them and allowed them too. That shit's on me. Ooh, not a fun pill to take. But I learned that I can love someone but not allow them to have power over me. I learned (and am still learning) what their individual tornado sirens sound like and am working on building my own little spiritual and emotional storm shelter. I realized that sometimes I am my own worst crazy-maker. That's a big one. But what I'm most thrilled that I learned is that my personal peace is not dictated by anyone else but me. My body is a temple, not only physically but emotionally and spiritually; and you have got to keep that shit tight. Sweep up the dirt, push the boulders out of the way, pull the weeds, plant seeds of change, play some good damn music, clean the windows and let the sunshine in. Deep forgiveness is a big part of that. Forgive them, and forgive yourself.

We are our own peace-makers.

I hope you have a truly wonderful day.

Have a Courageous Sunday!

Image from Pinterest.

Be courageous, dear friends.

And on a personal note, a happy tenth birthday to my sweet pup, Seven (aka Mister Pants, Midder Midder Pumpkin Idder, Little Bit, and Brudder). That little raggamuffin is my heart running around outside my body. To a wonderful decade of love and companionship and many more lovely years! I love you, Budbud!

Little Things

Two ecstatic boys en route to Grandma's for spoiling. We may be rough around the edges, but we've got love!

Mondays are hard enough as it is, we may as well celebrate the little victories that making getting through the day (and week) a little bit easier! I'm sharing a few of my little victories in hopes that it will inspire you to take notice the choices you make that turn the tides toward a more peaceful and positive life. Please share some of your little victories with me below, I'd love to know!

So, without further ado...

*I didn't stress-react. In the past, if confronted with a stressor, I would react. I would have a drink, have a cigarette, have a chocolate, have a bitch or a snark, or have a (long) mental escape. I encountered several situations in which I was hit with a sudden and frustrating stressor this week. Each and every time it happened, my first thought went to: WINE! COMFORT FOOD! CHOCOLATE! SUPERNATURAL MARATHON ON NETFLIX!! Anything to make myself feel better. Instead, I told myself that the temporary fix wouldn't actually fix anything. I made myself cope like a grown-ass woman, and told myself that I will indeed have a glass of wine or a chocolate or Dean Winchester fix (meowr!), when I am in a calm and more centered place. A place where I can enjoy it without running away from whatever it is I was running away from. It worked, multiple times in fact! I coped (multiple times...). I saved money too, and I put a wrench in the stress-react cycle too. I had dozens of moments and in any one of them I could have kept the cycle going, but each time I realigned myself, the temptation grew weaker. It was rather empowering, actually!

*I went digital free for an evening, sort of. Not a big deal for me really, but I got my husband on the digi-free train for an evening and that was a victory. We spent a Saturday night playing records from his collection and my dad's that he gave us. It was so much fun! My husband pulled questions from Reddit (okay so he used his phone for that) and we spent the night answering all these funny questions like "What's actually as bad as people say it is?" or "If someone offered you $10,000 with the condition that you had to spend it in 4 hours, what would you spend it on?" or "What's something you find attractive that others do not?" and my favorite, "What is a feature that you would want to reasonably include in your own home?" We sat around, getting up occasionally to flip over a John Anderson, Dire Straits or Delbert McClinton record and just chatted about things. Something I noticed people don't do very often without texting, checking FaceTube, playing a video or googling something random. It was gloriously simple, the wine flowed and the conversation was interesting and lovely. A little victory for  a 21st century couple to be slightly more unplugged than usual. I hope to make that a regular part of my evening routine.

*We took the pups to see their "grandparents", or one set of them anyway. Usually when we get together for family dinner, we're too tired to deal with the dogs coming with us. I had this horrible moment when I realized it had been months since they'd gone on a car ride to my Mom's house (she lives four miles away!). So we scrubbed the little one (he's always dirty) and loaded the boys up and took them over there where they immediately got spoiled. The big boy, Comodino, went from person to person getting his ears rubbed. The little one, Seven, begged his Grandma for walks and treats and spent a good bit of time cuddled up in my arms drooling as he snoozed. So cute. It took a moment. It was one little choice to give these boys and their "grandparents" some quality time together. All I had to do was not be selfish or lazy about it. I feel terrible that it took me so long. I hope to make that a regular thing too. I'm a work in progress, what can I say?

Try to take some time today to acknowledge the little things you've done to make your day and life better. Not getting the $4 latte because you're on a budget, or taking an extra ten minutes when you walk your dog so he or she can sniff around a little bit longer. Maybe letting the older person behind you in checkout line go ahead of you. These things don't hurt, but they do help a tremendous amount in a million different tangible ways. You may find that each little thing snowballs into big, buoyant, beautiful change.

I hope you have a truly wonderful day!!