A is for...

Go on! Jump in, y'all and get muddy!

Happy Wednesday, friends! How is your week going? I'm back at work today after a very pleasant and productive two days off (could use about 29 more to be honest). I've been in my head a lot these past several weeks. Even through the static and of-no-good-use derailment last week, I've had a lot floating around my head about my life, career, skills (or lack thereof), things I want to accomplish, fears, friends, family, BMI, money, recipes, apartment hunting...well, I could have stopped with "a lot of things" but I think you follow me.

I've mentioned before that I've been meditating. It helps tremendously for me, and yes it takes a bit of practice; but now I look forward to it everyday (especially my before work and after lunch mini-meditations). Since the derailment last week, I've been looking for ways to improve upon my mini-meditations and get more bang for my buck particularly when I'm stressed or in a work situation I don't care for. While searching, I stumbled upon an article in Mind, Body, Green. I like this website most of the time and I have found some pretty, shiny gems there rather regularly.

The 4 A's of Successful Meditation Practice caught my eye for obvious reasons and after reading it, I got to thinking a little bit about those 4 A's and what they really mean when it comes down to the nitty gritty stuff that comes up when left alone with one's thoughts. The 4 A's are as follows:

Awareness

Acknowledgment

Acceptance

Action

In regards to meditation, most people unfamiliar with the practice may be surprised at the depth of the psychological aspects that accompany it. For those who practice, whether you like it or not, you know you come face to face with a lot of things that have been rolling around your ole noodle waiting for a chance to be heard.

Never one to be afraid of my own emotional dust bunnies, I didn't fret about those things bubbling up to the surface as I'd had it happen in previous experiences with meditation (and I sincerely believe that working through that gunk and garbage is worth it). However, the sheer volume has been surprising! Nothing mind-blowing or anything. Just...life stuff.

All of this is to say, friends, that outside of the realm of meditation, one can apply this 4 A's to help with the gunkier more garbagey things in your life. Things like talking disparagingly about yourself or others, sabotaging your healthy goals, lashing out at people when you're upset with something else entirely, drinking to excess, dangerous addictive issues, withholding affection or gratitude for a vague sense of power...you get the picture. Deep down inside you are aware that these things exist within you (and are projected from you). No one is ever truly shocked to find out they do something that hurts themselves or others- there's a voice inside that can never really be shut up. It'll wake you up at 3 am and not allow you to sleep. Blame it on whatever, but eventually- you'll have to listen to that little voice and become aware of the bigger issues at hand.

Acknowledge that little bugger. It may be sitting in your living room for a little while. It'll feel like it's everywhere with you and that's because it is. Until you accept (and try forgiving) the part you played (or someone else did, if that applies) and accept that you are human and guess what? Humans make big stinking, smelly mistakes all day every day. It may not be okay what you're dealing with; but you can be okay with being healthier and happier despite it.

Then take action to change that shit.

Make an effort every day to alter the habits, dark words and thoughts, guilt, shame, and anything else you may be feeling from all that old crappy stuff. Make the littlest change a day, such as giving a compliment to someone when you'd usually keep it to yourself. Apologizing to someone you've hurt in the past, or choosing not to complain about eating this or that in your healthy-eating plan and instead close your eyes and identify the flavors you do like (in carrots for example). Be present in your life. Use those 4 A's to kick the troublesome issues of your big P (your past) right in the ass and out to the curb. Incinerate that nonsense with love, forgiveness and courage.

Working through major and minor emotional issues isn't easy. It can be ugly and you will have to allow yourself the fact that you are/will be vulnerable (and perhaps accept the vulnerability of others while you're at it). You will most likely have to make some big apologies to others and especially yourself. You will ugly cry like Sookie on True Blood (LOVE that ugly cry!). You may rage, you may scream at yourself in your car or at the sky. It's all good. Work through it. Crawl through it. Scrape through it. Then suddenly you'll find yourself in the clear. Aware of a new kind of peace and a bigger slice of happiness than you thought you could stomach beforehand.

Good luck friends. I'm doing it, you can too!

I hope you have a truly wonderful day!

Happy Birthday, Dr. King!

Happy Monday, y'all! I hope for those of you who get today off, that you enjoy it. Today I thought I'd share some quotes from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Everyone knows the "I have a dream" speech, but he said many things I find inspiring, so I'm sharing them with y'all in the hopes you find them inspiring too. We can all use a reminder to treat others better, including ourselves. I know I do!

A rare picture of Dr. King smiling. He had such a friendly face!

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

"Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude."

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that."

"Let no man pull you low enough to hate him."

"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear."

"The time is always right to do what is right."

"Everyone has the power for greatness, not for fame but greatness; because greatness is determined by service."

We have a lot of work to do, y'all. Inside and out. I hope you have a truly wonderful day.

The crazy pool (thoughts on crazy-makers part...4 I think).

This is the crazy pool.

Everyone has a little crazy. I like to think of it as there is a great big pool of "crazy" and at some point in our lives we dip our toes in. Sometimes someone we loves jumps in and we jump in to try to save them only to find they are stepping over us to get out and we start drowning instead. Sometimes people swan dive right into the deep end and never stop splashing you. But most of us only ever get ankle deep in the shallow end steps.

I've been on every side of this pool. I've dipped a toe, I've waded waist deep. I've cannonballed into the deep end only to swim straight to the ladder and get out. I've tanned on a chaise beside the pool and spent many years cleaning that murky son of a bitch to no avail. I've been pulled in countless times. I've worn water wings, I've precariously coasted by on a sinking half-inflated float. I've chokingly tried to argue with someone who was using my shoulders to hold me down under water.

Every person in or around the pool is choosing to be there. Some know nothing else and don't know that pulling people into that green algae'd pool with them won't make their personal experience (pain etc.) any better, it only hurts those they pulled in.

All of this is to say: Get out of the pool, y'all. Don't pull anyone into your shitty swampy concrete pond. Get out, towel off and hit the showers. Don't look back...and while you're at it, take a few moments to tell the people who've stuck by you that you love them and you're sorry if you've ever pulled them in (even accidentally). Even if you're on great terms- it never hurts to say it, y'all. Walk away. Break the cycle. You'll feel better once you rinse off and put on some clean, warm jammies. I promise.

To those of you who have: I commend you. Well done, you! It ain't easy, but it's worth it to be healthy and happy!

I truly hope you have a wonderful day. Please be kind to one another and to yourselves. It's easier than you think, and oh so contagious.

Thoughts on crazy-makers, part 2

Christmas nuts made me laugh. And a few minutes on this site actually calmed me down quite a bit. 

Remember a few months back, I wrote about crazy-makers? Those people who, whether they mean to or not, have a tendency to create chaos wherever they go (because chaos is their normal and when it's peaceful they freak out thus keeping the cycle going).

As well-intentioned as it may be, my crazy-maker got in touch with me last night. She wants to meet up. Then this is what happened.

The people-pleaser in me thought: "Well, I don't want to be rude. We know all the same people yadda yadda yadda."

The internal introvert thought: "I just want to avoid all social contact outside my pre-selected few tribe members. No ______ allowed in my clubhouse!"

The wounded part of me thought: "There is a catch. There is always a catch. Don't let your guard down. The moment you do, the shoe will drop and you will be infuriated and/or hurt again."

Now even I have to admit, that last one surprised me. I'm a pretty optimistic person. I devil's-advocate my way through a lot of sticky situations. But I was a little sad that the loudest part of me was such a wounded part. I don't like to think that there is an imbalance inside that could go that negative at any moment.

I know I have to find a balance between those parts of myself and I'm embarrassed to say that may take me a few days (I'm so quick normally but totally blank out when put on the spot). I guess, I'm just sharing a human moment with y'all. Any advice on how to handle this in a way that will keep me from losing my cool the moment it starts going wonky? The only way I know how is to be honest. I'm told I can be too blunt (I don't mean to be) and I don't want to be because there is too much emotion backing this honesty. I don't want to accidentally be mean but i know myself. In emotional situations the filter comes off.

Sigh. I'll figure it out.

I hope you have a truly wonderful day!

P.S. Interesting article. 

Thoughts on Loving Yourself & A Bizarro Scenario

Usually I let Thursday and Friday's posts get a bit frothy because we're inching tantalizingly close to the weekend, however today I just wanted to chat.

I don't know about y'all, but I am pretty damn hard on myself. I come by it honestly, and sometimes it has served me well. There have been times I knew I was better than a crap job, or crap friendship, or crap relationship. There are times that little voice said I really should be closer to a 4.0 GPA than I was (and I got there).  I held myself to a standard.

This voice, however, this one that tells me to push harder, be better, kinder, gentler, eat better, exercise more, not to bitch so much, get more sleep, yadda yadda yadda...It can get dark. It can be a real destroyer.

That voice has told me that my writing isn't good enough. The one thing that makes me happier than anything. It tells me that I should be further along in my career, that I should have more money saved and less debt. This voice has compared my accomplishments, or lack thereof, to others'. That voice that says I'm getting old or I'm a bad Mama to my dogs, that I haven't had babies yet or this or that. That voice I hear all the bloody time.

I'm a smart girl. Woman now I guess, if you want to get technical about it. I am smart enough to know all of this comes from a lot of places. There are the outside influences, of course. However, it's the inner ones I want to grab by the ear and sit the hell down for a good talking to. This is what I want to say to that Little Shit Voice:

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Me: Hey, you little shit. Yeah, you- the one who whispers stuff into my ears while I sleep and wakes me at three a.m. to review every bad life choice I've ever made. I know the things you tell me already, I don't need your crappy reminders."

LSV (Little Shit Voice): But you could be so much better if you just weren't so awful.

Me: I'm not awful.

LSV: You can be.

Me: Everyone can be. It's called being a human.

LSV: But you need to be better than that.

Me: Better than human? Um...like Wonder Woman?

LSV: You can always be better. I think you are lazy. I think all the bad things that people have said about you and all the things they say behind your back are true. You know you aren't as special as you think. Just think of all the horrible things you have said and done in your life! All the time you've wasted! All the stupid choices!!!

Me: Trust me, I have. But, those things aren't all of me. I know I'm good- because I work at being good every day. I know I have a lot of love to give because I try to show it every day. I know what it feels like to have your day made brighter by a stranger, so I try to do that for others.

LSV: Blah blah blah. It's not enough.

Me: I love myself more than you hate me.

LSV: But...

Me: No matter what you say, I still love myself more than you hate me. And you shouldn't hate me anyway- you're a piece of me. You are fear and regret and hurt feelings. You are insecurity and pain and so much loss. You are the pieces of my heart that broke off over the years. It's okay to feel all of it, but please don't turn it to vinegar and try to poison me. I can't let it pour out of me, it could spillover and hurt someone else. I can't do that. It hurts enough inside.

LSV: But...

Me: But nothing. I'll never get better if you keep tripping me up. Life is too short for this nonsense. I'm strong as shit. I've been through so much garbage and yes, I created some of it. But, I have a big heart always keen to love more. I want to make the world a more beautiful and positive place than it was when I got here. You get me?! I love myself more than you can ever hate me. You hear me , Little Shit Voice? Hello? Hey- where'd you go?
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Weird, right? I know it seems nuts to type out and publicly post a fake dialogue between your inner voices. I really get that. I don't care though. I didn't know what my insides were going to say until I typed them out. I surprised and impressed myself a little actually. Who knew my positive inner voice had such ovarian fortitude?!

What would your inner voices say if given a chance for dialogue? Be honest. It can be pretty harsh. Would you tell your critic to go screw off and leave you alone? Would you coddle that inner cattle prod? I know I have in the past. I know many who do. They always seem unhappy.

Sometimes it seems easier to hate yourself than to stand proudly up for yourself. It may be easier to slump than stand up straight, but trust me- it's worth the fight. It's worth the tears and the sweat and the scraped knuckles.

Stand up for the good, sweet, loving, kind, badass individual that is you. Stand up and fight for him/her. Every damn day. All day. Know you are worth the love, even if you feel it from nowhere else but inside of you. Know that even if you don't see it or feel it all around you yet, it is out there and it will find you and wonderfully encompass you if you let it. It's all around us and its radiating from inside the hearts and spirits of everyday people fighting and scraping against the voices and odds and poisons too. Just like you.

Love on, and love hard y'all. Start inside. Start today, this very moment. I promise I'm right here with you.

I truly hope you have a wonderful day!

Saturday Meditation

The releasing of thousands of wish lanterns.

Today, friends, I want to focus on forgiveness. Not in a macro kind of "forgive me" way, but in a micro, I forgive ____ for ____ kind of way. Today I want you to find a space in nature, or in view of it. Close your eyes and clear your mind. I find that counting breaths until reaching my age works well, so I deeply breathe for 32 breaths. By the time I hit my number my mind has settled down a bit and the counting keeps it from wandering.

Now for the uncomfortable part. Once you've cleared your mind a bit, reflect on something that you've done to someone else. Say, a bad breakup at your hands that could have been handled better or getting hammered at the company picnic, or making fun of someone only to find they're standing right behind you. Ugh. Cringe. I know, right? We've all been there. I could quite possibly be the ambassador for that cringey place.

Once you have that memory in your mind, go through it. What was it that made you do that, say that, or act that way? At that company picnic, were you nervous about your new job so you kept throwing back beers even though you knew your boss was watching? Who were you trying to entertain and why when you started making fun of a person only to realize they heard you and you could see the hurt or anger on their face? What made you break up with that person the way you did? Were you being a chicken, being mean, or just at your wit's end? Really delve into your memory and find the root of why you acted in a way you are ashamed of. It's not fun, but its important to identify the reason you acted the way you did.

In all of my cases it came down to these five things: social anxiety + booze, grief, depression, being overwhelmed (usually because of not listening to my intuition) and/or fear. One of those things was in play every single time I've done something I regret. I know, we aren't supposed to have regrets, or so they tell us- but I do. And I work hard to forgive myself of all the dumb things I've done and said. Have you identified what your root(s) is in this case? Once you do, the next step is surprisingly simple...Let it go.

Release it and forgive yourself. Realize you could have made better choices and that you're human and in this situation you didn't make a good choice for _______ reason. Forgive your past self so your present and future self don't have to lug so much old shit around. I find that writing it down and then lighting the piece of paper on fire helps.  Make a pact with yourself. It could go something like this:

"Hey, regretful self?"

"Yeah, self that's trying to become a better self?"

"You know that time you made a really inappropriate joke at someone's expense at that party, and instead of letting the hurtful joke go, you repeated it...twice? And you watched the person who it was about handle it in a classy way though he/she seemed very hurt by it?"

"Ugh, don't remind me. That memory makes me feel gross."

"Well, you apologized to them. Years ago."

"Yeah, so?"

"So, forgive yourself and let it go. You're a human and humans make mistakes. You've also promised yourself not to do something like that again, even when you're in a social situation that makes you nervous and your first reaction is to crack a joke no matter the cost. Got it? Let it go, kiddo! We can't carry around all these old regrets forever, it's giving us a hunchback!!"

"I guess you're right, but I feel like punishing myself over and over for it is like a way of making up for the mistake in the first place."

"How medieval of you."

"Shut up. I know you're right. I should let it go. I promise I will try my best not to put myself or someone else in that kind of situation again."

"And if you do?"

"I'll think before I speak."

"How novel. And?"

"I'll try to keep positive thoughts and words flowing instead of letting anxiety and the need to please/entertain everybody dominate my psyche."

"And?"

"And I'll forgive myself for being rude to that person so many years ago. And- I'll release that regret."

"Well done, kiddo. Now go have a cookie." Cue the freeze frame high five!

If that embarrassing scenario sounded too detailed to be made up, it is because that's a real one for me. I did make a hurtful joke, and I did repeat it twice and I did apologize to that person years ago and still held onto that embarrassment and shame for almost a decade!! It may seem small compared to other regrets you could cull from your memory (and it is small compared to some of my life regrets) but it's a place to start. And I have to let go of that little regret in order to become more adept at forgiving myself for the big things. I hope you take the time to release something like this from your heart. You deserve inner peace, but you have to work for it; and you can't have inner peace if you're constantly at war with yourself. Be kind.

I hope you have a truly wonderful day!

Thoughts on Crazy-Makers Part 1

Image courtesy of Anne Taintor.

We all have one (or more) in our lives. We may work with some, live with them, or even love them. Our crazy-makers. These are the folks that, although they may not mean for it, they create chaos around them wherever they go.  Their inner turmoil spills out and attaches itself to the nearest living things.

I've had many. From fair-weather friends to roommates; from relatives to boyfriends to bosses. In fact, not too long ago I had an encounter with a former crazy-maker whom I removed from my life many years ago. Long gone was my anger toward this person. I attempted civility, this person was genuinely trying to be nice. I kind of ruined that one, but it wasn't on purpose. You see, when this friend and I "broke up", so to speak, I fell into that big (and complicated) depression I've mentioned to you all before. That isn't the point though. The point is that when this person and I dispersed, I was overwhelmed with a phenomenally visceral rush of emotions. I had to leave where I was. I felt like I had to run. I couldn't control my sadness. It was bizarre. My body and spirit were trying to cope with things my brain hadn't caught up to yet. What does this have to do with crazy-makers? I'm getting there, hold your horses.

You see, in my case (many times past and present), I was very close to my crazy-maker. I loved this person. I laughed with them. We shared secrets and dreams. We were great friends. I trusted them deeply. When things went lopsided, I felt ripped apart. Like a little kid whose Christmas morning was burning down all around her. In my romantic life, things were better than ever. I'd just met and married the love of my life. However, every single other aspect of my life felt appallingly out of order and it felt like it was because of this person's single-handed ability to destroy everything around them.  I felt like I was collateral damage because of the decisions they made. It was a characteristic of their's we had discussed in varying degrees over the course of our friendship. A "center of the Universe" way of existing that could be harmful to others, almost always unintentionally. And I spent years being angry for the things directly corresponding to that crazy-maker of mine's actions. And in true victim mentally, attributed things to them that were not at all their fault. However I was sad and angry. I was struggling to find a job and was generally just pissed off at the selfish actions of this person that so deeply affected my life, my happiness. At that point, I'm pretty sure I was my mother's crazy-maker (sorry Mom!).

The point is, when I became overwhelmed that day, I cried. I cried in my car, I cried in a parking lot and tried to hold it together in the checkout line at the grocery store. I finally sat my pathetic ass down to write. That's how I figure out what's going on with me. I literally wrote "What is making me so upset?" I answered myself in bullet points. Why this visit brought up so much pain and anger and sadness and I realized that I was simply grieving. I was grieving a future I had imagined for myself. One that made me happier than I am now. I was grieving how happy I was before things went sour. I was young and hopeful and independent. I was taking care of business and feeling confident for the first time as an "adult". I had hope. Hope that I could make something of myself and be a partner with that person possibly in a career move. Bah. It's embarrassing to even write it down, it's sounds whiny!

I looked at this list. I examined it. I forced myself to look at it for a good, long time. Then turned the paper over and asked myself another question..."What can I do to make my life more of what I want?" The things that poured out from me after that, made me happy just to write them. Go to concerts, for example. Something I did regularly (I'm a music nut) back in the day. Something that brought me tremendous happiness and release. It's been years since I've procured tickets for myself to a show that I really really wanted to see. Other simple things came out too. Different activities I can do instead of holing up for a Netflix marathon like I have been during my darker days because I just need an escape from reality. The answers were so simple and again, I was embarrassed that depression put such a veil over my eyes. I couldn't fathom doing any of the things on this list even a few months before and now that I was beginning to crawl out of it and take responsibility for my own nonsense, it all flowed.

I laughed to (perhaps at) myself then. This crazy-maker was one not only because of their own personal and poisonous stuff, but also because I let them be. I let this person wreak havoc because I loved them and allowed them too. That shit's on me. Ooh, not a fun pill to take. But I learned that I can love someone but not allow them to have power over me. I learned (and am still learning) what their individual tornado sirens sound like and am working on building my own little spiritual and emotional storm shelter. I realized that sometimes I am my own worst crazy-maker. That's a big one. But what I'm most thrilled that I learned is that my personal peace is not dictated by anyone else but me. My body is a temple, not only physically but emotionally and spiritually; and you have got to keep that shit tight. Sweep up the dirt, push the boulders out of the way, pull the weeds, plant seeds of change, play some good damn music, clean the windows and let the sunshine in. Deep forgiveness is a big part of that. Forgive them, and forgive yourself.

We are our own peace-makers.

I hope you have a truly wonderful day.