Boot & Rally

My Japanese Magnolia.

Where do you get the fuel to do what makes you truly happy?

You see, I feel called to do a handful of things. I daydream about them all the time, I wake up thinking about it and fall asleep thinking about it (I'm an Air sign, it's kind of our thing). But when it comes to taking the necessary steps to getting those things I dream of started, I short-circuit. I find other things that could be done instead. Things for other people, busywork tasks, mundane life errands etc.

I know I am intimidated to start. I also know I'm afraid to fail and afraid that if I succeed, I'll find out that said life plan is shite and then have to find another one and end up at square one again.

I'm not good at teaching myself certain types of things. I get worked up into a froth and take a two hour bath or drink three glasses of wine instead. Then I wake up and I'm 34 and still staring into the middle distance dreaming of the things I want to do.

It's bogus, man. Truly uncool.

We don't have a lot of time on this magnificent blue marble. We have talents and gifts for a reason. Not using them is nonsense. Not taking the first step because it scares the snot out of you and has your stomach in your throat is nonsense too.

This is a rally cry, y'all. For myself to get my ass in gear, and for you too. I know a lot of you who read this blog (hey y'all!) and I know for a fact how completely badass you can be. To those I don't personally know (hey y'all!), there is all kinds of badassery you are capable of that I haven't even been made aware of yet. And all of this marvelous madness should be shared with the world. It's interesting and honest and we need more of it!!

Let's do this, kiddos. Let's take a baby step today. Let's make some moves!

-L

Thoughts on Time (Part 3)

Oui.

Well, we've discussed the bigger "headspace" issues of organizing your time last week. This week we've discussed the slightly more detailed issues such as planning, such as keeping and managing a list and deterring urgency. Today we are going to talk about a few more tangible ways to get more out of your time. Here we go!

Fa real, yo!

#1. Delegate!

Oh, it's such a hard one, isn't it? Especially for women. It's hard to accept when people don't do something the way you would do it. Am I guilty? Totally. I make my staff at work nervous when I look over the shoulder to supervise their tasks. I hate that I do it, and I can't stand it when people do it to me, but for the sake of honesty- I admit it.

I can be a control freak, though not everyone would assume that about me. My house is always in a state of "organized chaos", and I'd rather do just about anything that spend time fixing my hair. But in regards to other things- like finances and my kitchen cabinets...I'm a nutbar.

That being said, there is a glorious freedom to letting go of tasks that you don't have to be the sole executor of. Let the hubs fold the laundry even if he does a double fold and you prefer a triple fold. The fact of the matter is that laundry is being folded(which is the whole friggin' point) and that frees up time for you to get other shit done like that rough draft on the Great American Novel you've been dreaming of writing. Ahem.

Brick Tamland. So funny.

#2. Learn to say "NO".

Man oh man it feels good to get out of plans. It feels even better when you swallow your fear of disappointing others or making waves and say "No" if you don't want to do something or if it puts too much on your feet. 

I find that a sincere "Thank you, but..." really does the trick. Also there's the uber-classy "I prefer not to" that I've grown quite fond of. People have their own stuff going on too, you know- they aren't all lying awake at night staring at the ceiling wondering why you aren't coming to the fifteenth baby shower this year. 

Just think of that time saved as "free time". It wasn't just given to you- you took it for yourself and that is a fantastic feeling!

How true. Interesting article here.

#3. Eliminate or greatly reduce "controllable" distractions.

I touched on this last week, but it bears reiterating. There is no need to have the TV on all the time. There is no need to have a computer or tablet on non-stop, or your phone always beeping bloop buzzing right next to you calling your attention to a little glowing screen every 30 seconds. If you add up all the time spent looking at screens or occupying your senses, I bet you'd have gained a few hours a day.

Geez Louise. Another interesting article here.

I'm not saying you must take a tech-fast. Of course I look at my phone and hey- I'm writing this blog on a computer. You can live a completely regular life and not waste loads of time mindlessly internetting. And you know what? There is something to be said for boredom too. The mind does incredible problem-solving and creating when it's allowed to breathe and be. 

You can have a gratifying existence without constant stimulation and a lot can get done in a much shorter amount of time that you'd think (more on that on Monday). Find your balance with that. Constantly zoning out, sucks more than your time. It sucks your motivation and your get-up-and-go, your zippity pow,  and your je ne sais quois! I don't know about you, but I could use all the zippity pow and je ne sais quois I can get my hands on!

What are your controllable distractions? What could you trim away, delegate or say "No" too that could immediately fill your time bucket? I'd love to know!

I hope you have a truly wonderful day and stay tuned!

Just a thought...

Image

I've been thinking a lot about fear these days. Why I've put off so many things I'm passionate about because I'm so afraid I'll fail. Or I'm afraid people (friends, family, audience etc.) won't like it or judge it. Yadda yadda yadda, right? We all have it, deal with it and/or are ruled by it in some way.

Well, I saw this quote and it...I don't know. It made me smile. A simple thought that provokes a powerful image. It put a bit of wind in my sails, so to speak. I hope it does for you too!

I hope you have a truly wonderful day, y'all!

My pal Vicky.

Celebrating victories one confetti sprinkle at a time!

I used to write about this regularly. I would share the little victories I accomplished over the week with y'all and ask for some to be shared with me. I stopped only because I felt like I was tooting my own horn too much and that it may be boring to read about!

However, it is super important to claim your victories, no matter how small. Especially if when you're right in the moment. Take the second it requires to look around you and realize you are in the middle of a victory! Whether it be that you ate more vegetables today than yesterday, subbed a glass of water for your fourth coffee. Perhaps you left for work an five minutes early so you missed that one long light that always makes you late; or you kept your mouth shut in a situation when you normally would have gossiped or said something snarky or judgmental.

So many things can be a victory and every victory adds up to big, beautiful changes. I know that is what I'm craving and working toward, so I thought I'd share it with y'all. It's just on my mind, you know?

What little victories have you had lately? I'd love to hear about them!

A is for...

Go on! Jump in, y'all and get muddy!

Happy Wednesday, friends! How is your week going? I'm back at work today after a very pleasant and productive two days off (could use about 29 more to be honest). I've been in my head a lot these past several weeks. Even through the static and of-no-good-use derailment last week, I've had a lot floating around my head about my life, career, skills (or lack thereof), things I want to accomplish, fears, friends, family, BMI, money, recipes, apartment hunting...well, I could have stopped with "a lot of things" but I think you follow me.

I've mentioned before that I've been meditating. It helps tremendously for me, and yes it takes a bit of practice; but now I look forward to it everyday (especially my before work and after lunch mini-meditations). Since the derailment last week, I've been looking for ways to improve upon my mini-meditations and get more bang for my buck particularly when I'm stressed or in a work situation I don't care for. While searching, I stumbled upon an article in Mind, Body, Green. I like this website most of the time and I have found some pretty, shiny gems there rather regularly.

The 4 A's of Successful Meditation Practice caught my eye for obvious reasons and after reading it, I got to thinking a little bit about those 4 A's and what they really mean when it comes down to the nitty gritty stuff that comes up when left alone with one's thoughts. The 4 A's are as follows:

Awareness

Acknowledgment

Acceptance

Action

In regards to meditation, most people unfamiliar with the practice may be surprised at the depth of the psychological aspects that accompany it. For those who practice, whether you like it or not, you know you come face to face with a lot of things that have been rolling around your ole noodle waiting for a chance to be heard.

Never one to be afraid of my own emotional dust bunnies, I didn't fret about those things bubbling up to the surface as I'd had it happen in previous experiences with meditation (and I sincerely believe that working through that gunk and garbage is worth it). However, the sheer volume has been surprising! Nothing mind-blowing or anything. Just...life stuff.

All of this is to say, friends, that outside of the realm of meditation, one can apply this 4 A's to help with the gunkier more garbagey things in your life. Things like talking disparagingly about yourself or others, sabotaging your healthy goals, lashing out at people when you're upset with something else entirely, drinking to excess, dangerous addictive issues, withholding affection or gratitude for a vague sense of power...you get the picture. Deep down inside you are aware that these things exist within you (and are projected from you). No one is ever truly shocked to find out they do something that hurts themselves or others- there's a voice inside that can never really be shut up. It'll wake you up at 3 am and not allow you to sleep. Blame it on whatever, but eventually- you'll have to listen to that little voice and become aware of the bigger issues at hand.

Acknowledge that little bugger. It may be sitting in your living room for a little while. It'll feel like it's everywhere with you and that's because it is. Until you accept (and try forgiving) the part you played (or someone else did, if that applies) and accept that you are human and guess what? Humans make big stinking, smelly mistakes all day every day. It may not be okay what you're dealing with; but you can be okay with being healthier and happier despite it.

Then take action to change that shit.

Make an effort every day to alter the habits, dark words and thoughts, guilt, shame, and anything else you may be feeling from all that old crappy stuff. Make the littlest change a day, such as giving a compliment to someone when you'd usually keep it to yourself. Apologizing to someone you've hurt in the past, or choosing not to complain about eating this or that in your healthy-eating plan and instead close your eyes and identify the flavors you do like (in carrots for example). Be present in your life. Use those 4 A's to kick the troublesome issues of your big P (your past) right in the ass and out to the curb. Incinerate that nonsense with love, forgiveness and courage.

Working through major and minor emotional issues isn't easy. It can be ugly and you will have to allow yourself the fact that you are/will be vulnerable (and perhaps accept the vulnerability of others while you're at it). You will most likely have to make some big apologies to others and especially yourself. You will ugly cry like Sookie on True Blood (LOVE that ugly cry!). You may rage, you may scream at yourself in your car or at the sky. It's all good. Work through it. Crawl through it. Scrape through it. Then suddenly you'll find yourself in the clear. Aware of a new kind of peace and a bigger slice of happiness than you thought you could stomach beforehand.

Good luck friends. I'm doing it, you can too!

I hope you have a truly wonderful day!

Happy Birthday, Dr. King!

Happy Monday, y'all! I hope for those of you who get today off, that you enjoy it. Today I thought I'd share some quotes from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Everyone knows the "I have a dream" speech, but he said many things I find inspiring, so I'm sharing them with y'all in the hopes you find them inspiring too. We can all use a reminder to treat others better, including ourselves. I know I do!

A rare picture of Dr. King smiling. He had such a friendly face!

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

"Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude."

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that."

"Let no man pull you low enough to hate him."

"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear."

"The time is always right to do what is right."

"Everyone has the power for greatness, not for fame but greatness; because greatness is determined by service."

We have a lot of work to do, y'all. Inside and out. I hope you have a truly wonderful day.

Put some good out there.

Sailor Gutzler

Earlier this week, a little girl survived a plane crash that killed her parents and other members of her family. This little girl (seven years old) walked through the Kentucky wilderness in very cold temperatures (though she was dressed for warm Florida weather) and found the actual closest possible house, got help and managed to direct rescue workers to the crash site. She did this with a broken wrist and covered in blood from other minor injuries. Her name is Sailor and she is safe and cared for in the custody of her grandmother now.

I am in awe of this little girl: her wits, the survival skills she remembered and her fortitude. If you want to join me in donating to this fund for her, please do. If you have another organization that speaks to you, please give a little to it today. I am reminded that remarkable comes in many shapes, sizes and situations. This is just one of many.

I hope you have a truly wonderful day.

Thoughts on crazy-makers, part 2

Christmas nuts made me laugh. And a few minutes on this site actually calmed me down quite a bit. 

Remember a few months back, I wrote about crazy-makers? Those people who, whether they mean to or not, have a tendency to create chaos wherever they go (because chaos is their normal and when it's peaceful they freak out thus keeping the cycle going).

As well-intentioned as it may be, my crazy-maker got in touch with me last night. She wants to meet up. Then this is what happened.

The people-pleaser in me thought: "Well, I don't want to be rude. We know all the same people yadda yadda yadda."

The internal introvert thought: "I just want to avoid all social contact outside my pre-selected few tribe members. No ______ allowed in my clubhouse!"

The wounded part of me thought: "There is a catch. There is always a catch. Don't let your guard down. The moment you do, the shoe will drop and you will be infuriated and/or hurt again."

Now even I have to admit, that last one surprised me. I'm a pretty optimistic person. I devil's-advocate my way through a lot of sticky situations. But I was a little sad that the loudest part of me was such a wounded part. I don't like to think that there is an imbalance inside that could go that negative at any moment.

I know I have to find a balance between those parts of myself and I'm embarrassed to say that may take me a few days (I'm so quick normally but totally blank out when put on the spot). I guess, I'm just sharing a human moment with y'all. Any advice on how to handle this in a way that will keep me from losing my cool the moment it starts going wonky? The only way I know how is to be honest. I'm told I can be too blunt (I don't mean to be) and I don't want to be because there is too much emotion backing this honesty. I don't want to accidentally be mean but i know myself. In emotional situations the filter comes off.

Sigh. I'll figure it out.

I hope you have a truly wonderful day!

P.S. Interesting article. 

A thought.

I really needed this today.

No regrets.

Thoughts on giving up...

Photo by yours truly. Check out the crescent moon!

Sometimes you feel like you want to give up. I know I do.

No matter the goal, in the short term it's way easier to throw in the towel and say: "Screw it! I'm going to spend that $40 or eat that fried chicken or have that third glass of wine!". And you know what? Life is meant to be lived, y'all, don't get me wrong.

However, in the long term, whatever goal that was that you abandoned will curl into a corner of your brain and peck at your self-esteem until it gets your attention again.

Don't give up. Whether it's saving for a new apartment, losing the freshman 15 (or a 30 year old's twenty...ahem), going back to get your degree, dealing with the loss of a loved one, a divorce, or trying to talk to your teenager...the plowing through means you are in the mire- that's that hard part that happens before it gets better! That means better is around the corner. That's called hope.

My mom has this wonderful saying/philosophy what-have-you that I've passed on to friends going through trying times or just having a hard time sticking to a goal, the idea of it is this:

When a jet is about to break the sound barrier, it shakes violently.

It rattles the screws and it feels like everything is going to break 

apart from the effort. Then...boom. The sound barrier is broken.

When shit gets real, y'all, or if you're just feeling too tired from a long day at work and school and well, life- remember that. You can't break the sound barrier if you're sitting on your ass, placating some little voice in your head that says you aren't worth it. You gotta do something about it and face those tremors, rattling screws and mire to get those truly badass results. And you are worth it, by the way. 

I hope you have a truly wonderful day.

Spread it- the love, I mean!

Chuchi girl was a sweet, sweet girl. Never met a stranger or a frisbee she didn't like. RIP, good girl.

It's Wednesday, y'all. And for those of you who read regularly, it's just our Wednesday karma round-up! I list a handful of people you can donate to (it started with a $5 donation request), and you give to them or to the charities, organizations, people etc. that move you.

Whether or not you have given to any of the organizations, charities and folks I've listed here, there have been some big successes, particularly as of late! Five charities (Turnip the Beet Farms, the Desert Farm Initiative, Semolina Superheroes -smallest American pasta factory, Carly Jacobs doing Silly things for a bus, and the Monarch Butterfly Tagging Project!) we've listed have met major goals and/or been able to fund their projects thanks to people like you!!! Take a moment to let that soak in. Lives have been changed!! Let's give it up for some major successes in the lives of a few, and manifest ways to help so many more!

*Many years ago I had the privilege of falling in love with a pup named Chuchi. She was my best friend. The sweetest pup around; she never hurt a fly. She happened to be a pit bull. I have loved and rescued a few pits in my life. It isn't the breed that is nasty, it's what has happened to them (what people have done to them). I support Tia Torres' rescue center in New Orleans because these animals never asked to be a "bully" breed. In fact, they used to be (and still are) a "nanny" breed. That's right. They were known for their sweet, kind and loving nature with children, with anyone who will love them. Support Villalobos, New Orleans today. In honor of Chuchi and Cannonball Mingus. Two loving and kind pits that have pieces of my heart forever. Bless Tia's heart and the hearts of all those beautiful animals. Truly.


*John Oliver did a great bit on how pageants, such as Miss America, are the largest "providers" of scholarships for women (i.e also shady as hell) and they require their recipients to be unmarried, participate in a swimsuit competition, be the proud owner of a completely pristine uterus and the ability to answer complex socio-political scenarios in only 20 seconds. Here are some other (BETTER) providers of scholarships for women that don't rely on bathing suit bottom adhesives. And don't get me wrong, pageants are what they are. They just shouldn't be the largest "provider" of academic scholarships for women. Ahem. Take some time to check out these sites: Society of Women Engineers, The Patsy Mink Foundation, and The Rankin Foundation. And a tip of the hat to John Oliver for delving so steadfastly into the subject as to enlighten even the (sometimes) laziest of feminists.

*Help retired racing Greyhounds live a fulfilling life filled with love and companionship!

*Save Ace's life. He's a rescue dog, deaf and blind and suffering a neurological disease that causes seizures. Yet somehow he has been able to help a child with autism learn, grow and behave better. Help this animal who was saved by this family who is, in turn, saving his family. Save Ave & his boy.

*Help Sam with the expenses to treat his Hodgkin's Lymphoma. It started out as what seemed like an infection that only needed antibiotics.

*I've said it once (maybe thrice), Find Your Waterkeeper!!!!

I hope y'all all have a truly wonderful day and remember that no act of kindness, no matter how small, goes unnoticed.

*Don't forget to say "Rabbit Rabbit" first thing in the morning today! It wishes you good luck throughout the upcoming month. If you forgot, you can always say "Tibbar Tibbar" to reverse the unfortunate juju. Love to all y'all!!!

Thoughts on Loving Yourself & A Bizarro Scenario

Usually I let Thursday and Friday's posts get a bit frothy because we're inching tantalizingly close to the weekend, however today I just wanted to chat.

I don't know about y'all, but I am pretty damn hard on myself. I come by it honestly, and sometimes it has served me well. There have been times I knew I was better than a crap job, or crap friendship, or crap relationship. There are times that little voice said I really should be closer to a 4.0 GPA than I was (and I got there).  I held myself to a standard.

This voice, however, this one that tells me to push harder, be better, kinder, gentler, eat better, exercise more, not to bitch so much, get more sleep, yadda yadda yadda...It can get dark. It can be a real destroyer.

That voice has told me that my writing isn't good enough. The one thing that makes me happier than anything. It tells me that I should be further along in my career, that I should have more money saved and less debt. This voice has compared my accomplishments, or lack thereof, to others'. That voice that says I'm getting old or I'm a bad Mama to my dogs, that I haven't had babies yet or this or that. That voice I hear all the bloody time.

I'm a smart girl. Woman now I guess, if you want to get technical about it. I am smart enough to know all of this comes from a lot of places. There are the outside influences, of course. However, it's the inner ones I want to grab by the ear and sit the hell down for a good talking to. This is what I want to say to that Little Shit Voice:

------------------------------------------------
Me: Hey, you little shit. Yeah, you- the one who whispers stuff into my ears while I sleep and wakes me at three a.m. to review every bad life choice I've ever made. I know the things you tell me already, I don't need your crappy reminders."

LSV (Little Shit Voice): But you could be so much better if you just weren't so awful.

Me: I'm not awful.

LSV: You can be.

Me: Everyone can be. It's called being a human.

LSV: But you need to be better than that.

Me: Better than human? Um...like Wonder Woman?

LSV: You can always be better. I think you are lazy. I think all the bad things that people have said about you and all the things they say behind your back are true. You know you aren't as special as you think. Just think of all the horrible things you have said and done in your life! All the time you've wasted! All the stupid choices!!!

Me: Trust me, I have. But, those things aren't all of me. I know I'm good- because I work at being good every day. I know I have a lot of love to give because I try to show it every day. I know what it feels like to have your day made brighter by a stranger, so I try to do that for others.

LSV: Blah blah blah. It's not enough.

Me: I love myself more than you hate me.

LSV: But...

Me: No matter what you say, I still love myself more than you hate me. And you shouldn't hate me anyway- you're a piece of me. You are fear and regret and hurt feelings. You are insecurity and pain and so much loss. You are the pieces of my heart that broke off over the years. It's okay to feel all of it, but please don't turn it to vinegar and try to poison me. I can't let it pour out of me, it could spillover and hurt someone else. I can't do that. It hurts enough inside.

LSV: But...

Me: But nothing. I'll never get better if you keep tripping me up. Life is too short for this nonsense. I'm strong as shit. I've been through so much garbage and yes, I created some of it. But, I have a big heart always keen to love more. I want to make the world a more beautiful and positive place than it was when I got here. You get me?! I love myself more than you can ever hate me. You hear me , Little Shit Voice? Hello? Hey- where'd you go?
-------------------------------------------------------------

Weird, right? I know it seems nuts to type out and publicly post a fake dialogue between your inner voices. I really get that. I don't care though. I didn't know what my insides were going to say until I typed them out. I surprised and impressed myself a little actually. Who knew my positive inner voice had such ovarian fortitude?!

What would your inner voices say if given a chance for dialogue? Be honest. It can be pretty harsh. Would you tell your critic to go screw off and leave you alone? Would you coddle that inner cattle prod? I know I have in the past. I know many who do. They always seem unhappy.

Sometimes it seems easier to hate yourself than to stand proudly up for yourself. It may be easier to slump than stand up straight, but trust me- it's worth the fight. It's worth the tears and the sweat and the scraped knuckles.

Stand up for the good, sweet, loving, kind, badass individual that is you. Stand up and fight for him/her. Every damn day. All day. Know you are worth the love, even if you feel it from nowhere else but inside of you. Know that even if you don't see it or feel it all around you yet, it is out there and it will find you and wonderfully encompass you if you let it. It's all around us and its radiating from inside the hearts and spirits of everyday people fighting and scraping against the voices and odds and poisons too. Just like you.

Love on, and love hard y'all. Start inside. Start today, this very moment. I promise I'm right here with you.

I truly hope you have a wonderful day!

Sunday Affirmation

What do you say, friends? Wanna make something beautiful out of the mud life hands us? I say hell yes! Hell yeah, I will manifest beauty from the shit-storms! You with me?!

I hope you have a truly wonderful day!

Love Yo'self!

Hello friends! It is Thursday- this week seems to be flying by! Well, Thursdays around here are all about self-care and self-love. Taking care of our vessels is paramount. I don't know why it is so hard to take care of ourselves sometimes. We go out of our way for others, yet neglect the one person we are on this planet with for our entire lives! It's bananas people! Total nonsense!

So, in honor of a dear friend who needs a good reminder (you know who you are!) and to remind all of us (myself included) that we must care for ourselves well, first and foremost, before we can truly help others (like the oxygen mask situation on a plane). Heeeere we go!

*The 10 things you must tell yourself today. I really like this one!

*I love this! Kindness meditation. It's so simple and even though it's for children, I think we could all take a page from this book and nurture kindness even in the subtlest of ways. Quite frankly I think we could all take some time and relearn the lessons of childhood so we can be better adults.

*I love a list and an infographic too! Five mantras for daily self-love. I felt particularly drawn to the Nourish, Powerful & Worthy ones. Good stuff!

*Self-love is asking yourself what you need- every day- and making sure you receive it. 
Dang! I really like that!!!

*Wow! This mother/daughter Ecard actually moved me. I didn't expect that from what are usually pretty funny, snarky little throwaways. Good on you, whomever made that one! It certainly does ring true, but I think we can dream bigger than just our children (ahem- since mine don't exist yet) and do this for everyone.

*Because PMS is a bitch, and so is menopause and Mondays and traffic and screaming kids and needy people at work and...anyway- a little something something to make you feel gooooooooooood.

And to my dear friend, let me gently remind you- you are capable of training your thoughts to be kinder toward yourself. The steps you take toward breaking unhealthy and dangerous cycles now, will  benefit you so incredibly much more as you get older (take it from me- 30 ain't no joke and neither will  be 40, 50, 60 or 90! But each year gets even more awesome to make up for it!) Every little thing you do to make your body healthy, happy, and balanced (physically, emotionally and spiritually) will only aid you further along in your life. I love you.

And I love all y'all who read P&PPS. Take care of yourselves. I hope you have a truly wonderful day!

Thoughts on Crazy-Makers Part 1

Image courtesy of Anne Taintor.

We all have one (or more) in our lives. We may work with some, live with them, or even love them. Our crazy-makers. These are the folks that, although they may not mean for it, they create chaos around them wherever they go.  Their inner turmoil spills out and attaches itself to the nearest living things.

I've had many. From fair-weather friends to roommates; from relatives to boyfriends to bosses. In fact, not too long ago I had an encounter with a former crazy-maker whom I removed from my life many years ago. Long gone was my anger toward this person. I attempted civility, this person was genuinely trying to be nice. I kind of ruined that one, but it wasn't on purpose. You see, when this friend and I "broke up", so to speak, I fell into that big (and complicated) depression I've mentioned to you all before. That isn't the point though. The point is that when this person and I dispersed, I was overwhelmed with a phenomenally visceral rush of emotions. I had to leave where I was. I felt like I had to run. I couldn't control my sadness. It was bizarre. My body and spirit were trying to cope with things my brain hadn't caught up to yet. What does this have to do with crazy-makers? I'm getting there, hold your horses.

You see, in my case (many times past and present), I was very close to my crazy-maker. I loved this person. I laughed with them. We shared secrets and dreams. We were great friends. I trusted them deeply. When things went lopsided, I felt ripped apart. Like a little kid whose Christmas morning was burning down all around her. In my romantic life, things were better than ever. I'd just met and married the love of my life. However, every single other aspect of my life felt appallingly out of order and it felt like it was because of this person's single-handed ability to destroy everything around them.  I felt like I was collateral damage because of the decisions they made. It was a characteristic of their's we had discussed in varying degrees over the course of our friendship. A "center of the Universe" way of existing that could be harmful to others, almost always unintentionally. And I spent years being angry for the things directly corresponding to that crazy-maker of mine's actions. And in true victim mentally, attributed things to them that were not at all their fault. However I was sad and angry. I was struggling to find a job and was generally just pissed off at the selfish actions of this person that so deeply affected my life, my happiness. At that point, I'm pretty sure I was my mother's crazy-maker (sorry Mom!).

The point is, when I became overwhelmed that day, I cried. I cried in my car, I cried in a parking lot and tried to hold it together in the checkout line at the grocery store. I finally sat my pathetic ass down to write. That's how I figure out what's going on with me. I literally wrote "What is making me so upset?" I answered myself in bullet points. Why this visit brought up so much pain and anger and sadness and I realized that I was simply grieving. I was grieving a future I had imagined for myself. One that made me happier than I am now. I was grieving how happy I was before things went sour. I was young and hopeful and independent. I was taking care of business and feeling confident for the first time as an "adult". I had hope. Hope that I could make something of myself and be a partner with that person possibly in a career move. Bah. It's embarrassing to even write it down, it's sounds whiny!

I looked at this list. I examined it. I forced myself to look at it for a good, long time. Then turned the paper over and asked myself another question..."What can I do to make my life more of what I want?" The things that poured out from me after that, made me happy just to write them. Go to concerts, for example. Something I did regularly (I'm a music nut) back in the day. Something that brought me tremendous happiness and release. It's been years since I've procured tickets for myself to a show that I really really wanted to see. Other simple things came out too. Different activities I can do instead of holing up for a Netflix marathon like I have been during my darker days because I just need an escape from reality. The answers were so simple and again, I was embarrassed that depression put such a veil over my eyes. I couldn't fathom doing any of the things on this list even a few months before and now that I was beginning to crawl out of it and take responsibility for my own nonsense, it all flowed.

I laughed to (perhaps at) myself then. This crazy-maker was one not only because of their own personal and poisonous stuff, but also because I let them be. I let this person wreak havoc because I loved them and allowed them too. That shit's on me. Ooh, not a fun pill to take. But I learned that I can love someone but not allow them to have power over me. I learned (and am still learning) what their individual tornado sirens sound like and am working on building my own little spiritual and emotional storm shelter. I realized that sometimes I am my own worst crazy-maker. That's a big one. But what I'm most thrilled that I learned is that my personal peace is not dictated by anyone else but me. My body is a temple, not only physically but emotionally and spiritually; and you have got to keep that shit tight. Sweep up the dirt, push the boulders out of the way, pull the weeds, plant seeds of change, play some good damn music, clean the windows and let the sunshine in. Deep forgiveness is a big part of that. Forgive them, and forgive yourself.

We are our own peace-makers.

I hope you have a truly wonderful day.

Have a Courageous Sunday!

Image from Pinterest.

Be courageous, dear friends.

And on a personal note, a happy tenth birthday to my sweet pup, Seven (aka Mister Pants, Midder Midder Pumpkin Idder, Little Bit, and Brudder). That little raggamuffin is my heart running around outside my body. To a wonderful decade of love and companionship and many more lovely years! I love you, Budbud!