Thoughts on Cruel Intentions...

Y'all, I've been meditating for a few weeks now. I used to years ago, but recently I've dived right into it again and have never been so successful with it as I am these days. A lot of things have improved since I started doing this practice for myself.

1. I sleep better.
2. I take better care of myself in general.
3. I don't lose my mind or complain as much as I used to at work when customers are annoying (which is 80% of the time).
4. My digestion is better.
5. I've gotten more observant to the underlying things going on with people's behaviors (including my own).

All of those things are wonderful. The last one however, is...well, it's interesting. It's like I have a special lens I can see what's behind what people are saying and doing (even catching myself in some cagey moments!). I'm seeing instead of reacting to it. I'm quite aware of my own reactive nature (bad) to their stuff and I'm seeing more clearly between the lines to all of their absolute nonsense (a lot). My senses are heightened and it has definitely been an eye opener.

Here are the things that I'm experiencing (have been for a while) and observing with a  few people in my life all of which I'm pretty much hurt by and just fed up with.

1. Passive aggressive barbs.
2. "Jokingly" name calling.
3. Eye-rolling, sighing, making rude faces whenever something light-hearted or fun or silly is mentioned. (No, these aren't teenagers, these are grown people.)
4. Constant one-ups and beat-downs in a competition I'm not participating in.
5. Subtle undermining and not-so subtle undermining.
6. Bragging about psychologically unhealthy habits as if they're normal then insulting others who disagree.
7. Chaos-to-chaos puddle jumping. (That's a constant, unfortunately).
8. Sabotage and judgment for other's successes.
9. Knocking or berating someone else, particularly if they are in a vulnerable state.

Unlike some people I know...this made me laugh so loud!!

Now, I'm a jokester and I love to laugh, but this is different. I'm also a sensitive gal. And I'm very aware this could easily be misinterpreted as playing the victim. But I'm being honest here, "playing the victim" is not what is happening with these people in my life.

I have my moments too, I own them and I am actively working on them. I want to improve and I don't want to bring anybody down. And there's the rub.

I try really really hard not to take my stuff out on other people. I actively work on it every single day. Even when I get totally pissed off at someone, I remove myself from their presence if I can until I've calmed down so I don't say anything in anger, frustration or defense. Now I know some could say that's not true or that I've been snippy in the past. I totally have. But when I'm cranky y'all, I say so. You never have to guess if something is bugging me. It's written all over my damn face. I don't insult you for asking me about it though. I at least try to remove myself from the situation so I don't lash out.

The rest of the time though, I make a point to tell people something positive and uplifting. It's been a goal of mine for years how and it is successful, for the most part. At least with healthy individuals who don't sling their crazy around like an apron with a bee caught up in it.

Yesterday one of these people called me a bitch because she complimented my lip color and I wasn't wearing any. Now of course calling me a bitch was supposed to be a joke, but...I'm at a point in my life where (call me crazy, y'all) I don't want my supposed friends calling me a bitch or any other mean name to be honest! Okay maybe if they said I was a badass bitch or something like that, but that's a different kind of category entirely!

All of this is to say that I've found myself feeling a bit lonely about it. I am particularly close to two of these three people and it feels gross to feel like a receptacle for their bullshit. It feels really bad to give genuine compliments, feedback and (asked for) advice only to be shot down, insulted, made fun of and undermined (even if it is supposed to sound like a joke). I'm weary of it. I feel sad for them that they seem so miserable inside that they feel compelled to hurt others, to lash out at others (me mostly). I feel sad for them that they can't hear the good being said to them and about them and they choose to shoot it down instead and lash out. I watch them as they sabotage their relationships with their spouses/partners (or can't make it work because they have to find something to pick at), children and well- me, to be frank.

However- some of this is on me. I don't have to react. I don't have to care. I don't have to square peg these relationships. I can simply care about them, hope for the best for them and take care of myself. I have to hear my inner voice and it has to be louder than their piss-ant misery and self-destruction. I've worked too hard to be in a  healthy place. I don't need their (or anyone's) crazy getting on my new pretty shoes, you know what I mean?

And you know what? You don't need it either. Everyone has that person (or persons) in their life that just chooses you as their target and pick ceaselessly. I've got a lot of work to do on myself and how I deal with those situations (other than running away, which always sounds so nice). I'm here for you if you ever need an ear or a shoulder or advice or just a friendly how d'ya do!

I truly hope you have a wonderful day! Be kind to people. Just...choose kindness. Everyone has shit their dealing with, as do you. Kindness is infinitely better and more powerful than choosing to hurt.

Keep reaching for that higher up, healthier place! It's attainable and it's bloody awesome!