Thursday, September 11, 2014
Thoughts on Loving Yourself & A Bizarro Scenario
Usually I let Thursday and Friday's posts get a bit frothy because we're inching tantalizingly close to the weekend, however today I just wanted to chat.
I don't know about y'all, but I am pretty damn hard on myself. I come by it honestly, and sometimes it has served me well. There have been times I knew I was better than a crap job, or crap friendship, or crap relationship. There are times that little voice said I really should be closer to a 4.0 GPA than I was (and I got there). I held myself to a standard.
This voice, however, this one that tells me to push harder, be better, kinder, gentler, eat better, exercise more, not to bitch so much, get more sleep, yadda yadda yadda...It can get dark. It can be a real destroyer.
That voice has told me that my writing isn't good enough. The one thing that makes me happier than anything. It tells me that I should be further along in my career, that I should have more money saved and less debt. This voice has compared my accomplishments, or lack thereof, to others'. That voice that says I'm getting old or I'm a bad Mama to my dogs, that I haven't had babies yet or this or that. That voice I hear all the bloody time.
I'm a smart girl. Woman now I guess, if you want to get technical about it. I am smart enough to know all of this comes from a lot of places. There are the outside influences, of course. However, it's the inner ones I want to grab by the ear and sit the hell down for a good talking to. This is what I want to say to that Little Shit Voice:
Me: Hey, you little shit. Yeah, you- the one who whispers stuff into my ears while I sleep and wakes me at three a.m. to review every bad life choice I've ever made. I know the things you tell me already, I don't need your crappy reminders."
LSV (Little Shit Voice): But you could be so much better if you just weren't so awful.
Me: I'm not awful.
LSV: You can be.
Me: Everyone can be. It's called being a human.
LSV: But you need to be better than that.
Me: Better than human? Um...like Wonder Woman?
LSV: You can always be better. I think you are lazy. I think all the bad things that people have said about you and all the things they say behind your back are true. You know you aren't as special as you think. Just think of all the horrible things you have said and done in your life! All the time you've wasted! All the stupid choices!!!
Me: Trust me, I have. But, those things aren't all of me. I know I'm good- because I work at being good every day. I know I have a lot of love to give because I try to show it every day. I know what it feels like to have your day made brighter by a stranger, so I try to do that for others.
LSV: Blah blah blah. It's not enough.
Me: I love myself more than you hate me.
Me: No matter what you say, I still love myself more than you hate me. And you shouldn't hate me anyway- you're a piece of me. You are fear and regret and hurt feelings. You are insecurity and pain and so much loss. You are the pieces of my heart that broke off over the years. It's okay to feel all of it, but please don't turn it to vinegar and try to poison me. I can't let it pour out of me, it could spillover and hurt someone else. I can't do that. It hurts enough inside.
Me: But nothing. I'll never get better if you keep tripping me up. Life is too short for this nonsense. I'm strong as shit. I've been through so much garbage and yes, I created some of it. But, I have a big heart always keen to love more. I want to make the world a more beautiful and positive place than it was when I got here. You get me?! I love myself more than you can ever hate me. You hear me , Little Shit Voice? Hello? Hey- where'd you go?
Weird, right? I know it seems nuts to type out and publicly post a fake dialogue between your inner voices. I really get that. I don't care though. I didn't know what my insides were going to say until I typed them out. I surprised and impressed myself a little actually. Who knew my positive inner voice had such ovarian fortitude?!
What would your inner voices say if given a chance for dialogue? Be honest. It can be pretty harsh. Would you tell your critic to go screw off and leave you alone? Would you coddle that inner cattle prod? I know I have in the past. I know many who do. They always seem unhappy.
Sometimes it seems easier to hate yourself than to stand proudly up for yourself. It may be easier to slump than stand up straight, but trust me- it's worth the fight. It's worth the tears and the sweat and the scraped knuckles.
Stand up for the good, sweet, loving, kind, badass individual that is you. Stand up and fight for him/her. Every damn day. All day. Know you are worth the love, even if you feel it from nowhere else but inside of you. Know that even if you don't see it or feel it all around you yet, it is out there and it will find you and wonderfully encompass you if you let it. It's all around us and its radiating from inside the hearts and spirits of everyday people fighting and scraping against the voices and odds and poisons too. Just like you.
Love on, and love hard y'all. Start inside. Start today, this very moment. I promise I'm right here with you.
I truly hope you have a wonderful day!